Batpig: The Musical
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: It was long in coming, but after being smacked about the head, here it is. The Caped Crusader sings. Musical innuendo, randomness, Gundam, and bubble gum. Oh boy.


Batpig: The Musical

Earplugs for sale, 50¢

Before I begin, I have a few things to get into order. First, apologies to Boss Reo for butchering this thing beyond previous recognition. That was what happened when a certain chick author got seduced by the dark side…and too much sugar for her own good. Second, apologies to Super Hurricane for taking freaking forever. I got sidetracked by school and Quatre. Okay…make that completely shit-faced by Quatre. And lastly, apologies to Matt and Ken, my Digimon muses, who have been locked in a closet since I last wrote anything involving them. Again, shit-faced by Quatre and Duo. So, that being said, enjoy the musical, and happy second birthday to my favorite pig. ~Kawaii Li'l Lia

            Gotham City, a dark and dingy city forever plagued by crime, corruption, and greed. And today it's being plagued by musical innuendos and dramatic reverbs. The televisions never, ever work in Gotham City, and today the clip is of Susie Wong, Tamer Henry's little sister, whose voice is more irritating that a palace full of Gekomon gargling razors. But there is hope in this city. There is Batpig, the intrepid crime-fighting bat…pig. Along with his sidekicks the Dead Wonder and Batpig Girl, their companions the Austin Powers Trio, and the mysterious Alliance of Night's Vigilantes, the felons of Gotham City have something to fear. Then again, maybe not. 

            We find ourselves in the home of our courageous heroes, the illustrious Turkey Wall Manor, so named for a running gag from the author's junior high heyday. The fearless Batpig, cleverly disguised as millionaire monster Patamon DePatamon, is in a rare mood today, one his partners Biyomon Takenouchi and Wizardmon…Wizardmon have to be very wary of. 

"_Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooorning! Oh what a beautiful day!" _

Biyomon covered her nonexistent ears. "Make him stop, make him stop!" 

"This can only be the result of something more heinous than the fiendish schemes of our many Batman-themed nemeses!" Wizardmon hollered. 

"And that is?" Biyomon screamed back. 

"The author, her fecking muse, and that other guy decided to write this episode of Batpig as (_dun-dun-dun_) a musical!"

"Who, Lia, Matt, and Reo?" Joe (ever-faithful butler to our heroes) asked, entering with the day's mail. "We've just received post from them. They're making a stopover from their syndicated series to join us."

            "So not only do we have to contend with this whole random bursts of song crap, but we have to put up with the Alliance as well? I'm out of here. They say Boca Raton is nice this time of year," Biyomon groaned. 

"Not so fast, my pink squawky friend!" Patamon said joyously. "Look out yon window! The Batpig Signal beckons us! _To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!" _

"Anything to keep you from singing any more of your lines," Wizardmon grumbled. 

~*~

Anyway, Patamon sped through Gotham like a Batpig out of hell, swerving and turning madly, pressing on the gas as he grinned wickedly. 

"Um, Batpig?" Biyomon squeaked nervously. 

"Not now, Batpig Girl!" the Pork Knight hissed, "I'm trying to drive!" 

It was at that moment that the Batpigmobile decided to greatly darken the day of an unfortunate feline who was on the road. 

Finally, poor Biyomon couldn't take it. 

"THAT'S IT!" she yelled, jamming her foot down on the car's brake. Our hero's face promptly smacked against the windshield. 

"Out," she said. "NOW." 

Batpig just cowered in his partner's newfound rage. He didn't even say anything as she yanked him up by the wings and switched their seats so she could drive more sanely. 

"Come on, Biyomon!" our hero had started whining about five seconds into her starting the engine. 

"You don't even have a legal permit to drive!" Batpig Girl fumed. Patamon found that he was receiving no chances of getting back in the driver's seat, so he had no choice but to instill his most devastating weapon; 

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease??" he begged, using his infamous "Sad Batpig Chibi-Eyes of Death." Biyomon gasped as she recognized his signature move. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T USE THEM ON MEEEEEEEE!!!" she screamed, covering her eyes in fright. 

"Hey!" Wizardmon quickly grabbed the wheel from the backseat as the car skidded along the side rails. Both Batpig and Batpig Girl promptly smacked against the windshield as the car screeched to a halt. 

"You know, it might be a good idea to actually use the seatbelts in this thing," the Dead Wonder pointed out. Batpig Girl's eyes watered as she nursed the bump on her head. 

"Well, maybe we wouldn't HAVE to worry about using the seatbelts if I were taught how to drive!" Patamon retorted.

_Here in my car   
I feel safest of all   
I can lock all my doors   
It's the only way to live   
In cars _

            "What the heck is _that?_" Biyomon squawked, pointing to the italicized words over her head. 

"A musical number the fecking authors threw in," Wizardmon sighed, sinking back into his copy of _Lord of the Rings, _with his little Legolas bookmark. Oh yes, we love the Legolas…and the hobbits, but mostly Legolas. 

_Here in my car   
I can only receive   
I can listen to you   
It keeps me stable for days   
In cars_

_Here in my car   
The image breaks down   
Will you visit me please   
If I open my door   
In cars_

_I know I've started to think   
About leaving tonight   
Although nothing seems right   
In cars_

"Fine, you can drive." Biyomon sighed, "Just please shut up."

Our hero gave a squeak of triumph as he once again took the steering wheel…__

~*~

"_At the end of the day you're another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor…_" 

The Kaiser stared at the girl standing beside him. "Lia, we're not poor. We live in a mansion."

"_It's a struggle, it's a war, and there's nothing that anyone's giving. One more day standing about…_"

"We don't stand about either. We chase villains down alleys and stuff like that."

"_What is it for? One less day to be living._"

Reo glared at the both of them. "What the hell is she doing?"

"Singing. This _is _a musical, in case you've forgotten. And watch the language, Batpig's got a PG audience, so save the profanities for our own series."

"Talk to me like that again, Ishida, and you'll find yourself falling six stories."

The trio that is the Alliance was standing on the roof of a federal building in downtown Gotham, watching the people below in their frenzied hustle. 

            "What exactly are we doing, Lia?" Matt questioned. 

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"_PATAMON! YOU IDIOT!" _

The dark-haired girl smirked. "That."

~*~

            Below, the Batpigmobile was completely flipped over, the wheels still spinning. Wizardmon wasn't saying anything, but Biyomon was chewing the pig out, screaming at him for taking the wheel instead of letting Wizardmon drive, which is how things should be. The driver's side window, which had been rolled down, was now occupied by someone hanging upside-down from the car. 

"Need a hand?" 

"Augh! Who the hell are you?" Patamon squealed. 

"_Who am I? Can I conceal myself forevermore? Pretend I'm not the man I was before? And must my name until I die be no more than an alibi? Must I lie?_"

Wizardmon frowned. "Hello, Yamato. Come to rescue us?"

"What are you talking about, Wizardmon? That looks nothing like the Kaiser Matt we saw back in 'Breaks Out!'" the Pork Knight stated. 

"The _Les Miserables _lyrics were a dead giveaway," our magical friend pointed out. 

Matt shrugged. "Hey, Lia started it." 

Reo stood on top of the toppled car as well, looking down at our heroes with a bored statement.

"You'd think he could find a better song?" he asked, letting the ashes fall from his cigarette and on Patamon's face. 

"Easy for YOU to say!" Matt said as he pulled the Pork Knight out, followed by his two sidekicks. "It's tricky to just make up a rhyme!" 

"You kidding me?!" Reo retorted. "Step up, byatch!" 

"Say what?" Biyomon asked a bit puzzled. Reo put up a hand. 

"Lemme explain," he said. Matt just face-faulted. 

"Oh no." 

_"This speech is my recital," t_he Infamous One said, _"I think it's very vital_." 

_"To rock a rhyme?" _Biyomon asked. 

"_That's right on time," h_e answered.

_"It's Tricky is the title, here we go..."_

He then leapt from the side of the car to behind our heroes, preparing to bust out, 

_"It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time   
It's Tricky...it's Tricky"_

_"Tricky?" _Pata asked. 

_"Tricky." _

_"Tricky!" _Wizardmon said. Reo continued.

_"It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time   
It's Tricky...Tr-tr-tr-tricky (Tricky) Trrrrrrrrrrricky."_

_"_ _I met this little girlie," _Wizardmon said,_ "her hair was kinda curly   
Went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early."_

_"_ _These girls are really sleazy,"  _Batpig joined in, remembering that incident. "_All they just say is please me   
Or spend some time and rock a rhyme, I said 'It's not that easy'."_

"Really?" Matt asked. Batpig just shrugged. 

"It sounded good, though!" he smiled. Reo gave Matt a smug grin as he lit another ciggy. 

"Told ya," he chuckled, at that moment joined by their comrade Fallen Angel. 

"It's about time you got here!" Biyomon snapped, "I just had to listen to these doinks recite a Run DMC song!" 

"You think that's bad?" Lia asked, "I had to listen to Reo _REHEARSE _it." 

"My singing's not that bad," the dark author sulked. "Yer just not a rap fan." 

Lia ignored his comment and glanced at the overturned Batpig Mobile. 

"Having some road rage, I see?" she said, folding her arms and wings at the same time. Biyomon nodded over to Batpig, who was busy trying to salvage anything he could from the glove compartment. 

"We WERE trying to reply to a call sent in by Commissioner Takenouchi," our hero said, jumping back down from the side of the car. "Looks like we'll have to actually USE these things now." 

He held out a small grappling hook launcher. Wizardmon just raised an eyebrow. 

"Aren't those the ones that came off our actions figures?" he asked. 

"They're the only ones we have," Patamon grumbled. Biyomon just looked at him.

"That wouldn't be a problem if you actually focused on getting us better equipment instead of making out with dinner every night!" she hissed. 

            "Hey! I happen to have very intimate relations with some upstanding, moral young women!" Patamon retorted. 

Matt glared at Lia. "Just remember, it was _your _idea to come back here. _I _wanted to stay at home." 

Reo leaned over to the trio of heroic monsters. "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when your average garden variety angsty bishounen forgets to take his Prozac."

Just then, Commissioner Takenouchi walks into the scene. 

            "Hello? I don't turn on the Batpig Signal for nothing! Are you people going to save the city or what? And what are you going to do about all these musical numbers?" 

Patamon springs up, striking a dramatic pose. "Fear not! I, Batpig, will save the city from…who are we fighting in this episode anyways?"

Sora pulled out her official _Batpig: The Musical _script. "Let's see…"

While Sora flips through the pages, the Jeopardy theme plays in the background. Podiums appear in the middle of the street, and the Batpig threesome can be seen writing something furiously. 

            "All right, let's see what you've written down. Our category is 'Evil Villains We're Fighting.' Batpig, what is your answer?" random Saban producer Seth Walther questions. 

"I'm going with…coleslaw!" 

Walther sweatdrops. "Eh…incorrect. Right? That's incorrect?"

Lia and Reo nod. 

"Batpig Girl, what about you?"

"Seth, I want to say Yolei, because she always seems to end up being evil in these fanfics because Lia thinks she's a wh…"

"Okay! Um…moving right along! Dead Wonder, your answer please."

"If the fecking author doesn't stop stalling, I'm going to take my aggression out on her Vash the Stampede wannabe boyfriend in many various hostile ways!" 

            "Oh, no wonder I can't find the villain!" Sora interrupts. "That page seems to be missing from my script!"

Everyone falls over, sweatdropping heavily. 

"No matter, Commissioner! The Batpig team is on the case!"

"A_hem_!" 

"…And the Alliance," he added, grumbling. 

"Fresh." Reo smirked, spinning his scythe handle. 

~*~

_Me again. This is where the old stuff that was originally written in (with the help of Reo) ends and the new stuff begins. Be warned now: I have not written anything Digimon related since early July. So whatever happens is the product of a Gundam Wing high, attempts to work on my web comic _Lysandria _(which desperately needs help, those of you who can html), and Lia's pitiful attempts at humor, music, and driving an ancient Toyota pickup. _

            "I was thinking…" Lia started, standing back with her comrades while Batpig and his crew were engaged in an over-the-top song and dance production to "Skid Row" from _Little Shop of Horrors. _

            "Oh God, what now?" Matt groaned. "Wait, I don't even want to know. It's probably too insane to even consider."

Lia clocked him one upside the head. "Pest. I was thinking that maybe we should let Batpig take care of things from now on. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, I'll admit, but I think the fans would like it better if we bow out for now."

            "What, so no more witty repartee and last minute rescues?" Reo asked. 

Lia shook her head. "Nah, I'll keep buggering them with other stuff, but I think we as a whole have gotten a little carried away in our attempts to be omnipotent vigilantes. So, let's change out of these stupid outfits and let the pig handle things."

            "Sounds like a plan to me. I think you've gained some newfound maturity these past couple of months, Lia," Matt stated, tossing his Kaiser glasses in a nearby trash can (always throw out your trash, kids, or Captain Planet will be on your ass faster than you can say 'by your powers combined'). 

            "Nah, I'm still an immature little prat, I just know enough to let Patamon deal with things. Come on, let's get ice cream or something, I'll buy. God only knows how much cash I've made in between camp (thank God that's over with) and babysitting."

            Patamon stopped singing long enough to notice the two authors and the muse walking _away _from the battlefield. "Wait! Lia! Where are you guys going?"

            "You can handle things on your own from now on, Batpig. The Alliance is officially defunct."

            "But that doesn't mean we won't be keeping an eye on you," Matt added. 

Patamon blinked. "Whoa. That was interesting. Somebody's gone all seventeen on us."

            "Not quite yet, but close enough. Now get out there and stop whoever it is that's mucking up your city before I haul out the APT. I'm sure they're itching to unleash a hoard of disgusting _Goldmember _lines on you."

Patamon squeaked and took off like a bat out of hell. Biyomon frowned as only a bird in a mask can frown. 

            "What was that all about?"

Dazed, our hero merely replied, "The Alliance isn't going to be helping us anymore."

            "Say what?!" his stalwart sidekicks gasped. 

            "Yeah, they said we could take care of things. Freaky, huh?"

Wizardmon nodded, wondering how this was going to affect his home life. "Any parting words for them, Pig?"

Patamon grinned wryly. "Yeah. _So long, farewell, au…"_

            "No _Sound of Music _out of you, Pig!" Biyomon shrieked. "I am not a Von Trapp!"

Our heroes managed to squabble their way back to the Batpigmobile, and then took off to find whatever and whoever it was that deserved a serious ass-whooping, Batpig style. 

            _"The hills are alive, with the sound of…"_

_            "PATAMON! KNOCK IT OFF!"_

~*~

            First stop on our Batpig tour of Gotham City during a crime spree just so happens to be Archam Asylum, home to the best and worst criminals you can find in these pointlessly amusing fanfics. Patamon was humming and bopping along to show tunes, graciously provided by a radio show put on Saturdays at Emerson College that's all show tunes for three hours. Lia listens to it when she's taking the Driver's Ed car for a spin around town. 

            "This is odd," Batpig Girl muttered. "They're all in here. Every last one of them. See?" 

Indeed, all of the previous antiheroes were safely behind their steel-reinforced glass cages, doing constructive things. Gatomon was engaged in reading _Where the Wild Things Are _to some small, impressionable digimon; Palmon was working on a two-hundred pound rutabaga for the annual Gotham City Farm Day; Piedmon was practicing harmless magic tricks; Pane the steroid-hyped Gazimon was cross-stitching a sampler that read 'Cell Sweet Cell'; the lawn gnomes were playing bocce ball; the Jehovah's Witnesses were watching taped episodes of their favorite televangelist; Mojo Jojo wasn't even there because he was safely in jail in the city of Townsville; Pikachu was being dragged around by his gung-ho trainer; Yolei was watching a musical montage tribute to her hero, Gundam Wing psychopath Lady Une (big glasses intimidate, what can I say?); and Jun had been reformed and let go about three months ago. She's now working on the Gotham City police force as an informant. 

            "So if it's none of these guys…then who the hell is behind whatever the hell's going on downtown?" Biyomon puzzled. 

Wizardmon frowned underneath his cowl. "What exactly _is _going on downtown?"

            "_Downtown, where the…"_

            "Patamon, we already sang 'Skid Row.' No need for an encore," Biyomon reminded him. He nodded complacently. 

Just then the televisions (even the ones playing videos and DVD) switched on to the Gotham City News Network, where head anchor midget Cody Hida was sitting at his desk. 

            "This just in. We're getting live reports from Downtown Gotham that a madman has brought chaos down upon our city, and I don't mean angry cranberry sauce. Let's go live with our roving reporter, Jeri Kato. Jeri?"

            "Thanks, Cody. I'm here outside the Gotham City Embassy, which has been encased in some pinkish substance that could either be that gross goo from _Ghostbusters _or bubble gum. Bizarre creatures have been hovering around the building, and anyone who gets near enough is, well, one unlucky sucker. Mayor Takaishi had this to say about our current crisis."

The camera panned over to T.K. , who was rocking on his heels. 

            _"As Mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county in the land of Oz…_I feel that it is a threat that should not be taken lightly. Commissioner Takenouchi has already deployed our hero Batpig and his friends, and they will resolve everything relatively soon."

            "Thank you, Mayor. For GCNN, I'm Jeri Kato. Back to you in the studio."

Patamon gestured towards the televisions. "Well, you heard them. Let's get going."

~*~

            Batpig was behind the wheel again, trying to steer clear of the masses of debris and the fleeing citizens. By this time, he'd almost gotten the hang of this whole driving thing, especially with Biyomon's cautious coaching. Even though she did have to step on the invisible emergency brake a few times (like Lia's mother does every time Lia gets to drive). 

            "That's right, you've got to…_ease on down, ease on down the road. Ease on down, ease on down the road. Don't you carry nothing that might be a load. Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road."_

Wizardmon rolled his eyes. "Lovely, both variations on L. Frank Baum's classic. Are we going to get there sometime this fanfic?"

            "_It takes a little time, sometimes, to get your feet back on the ground. It takes a little time, sometimes, to get the Titanic turned back around…_" Batpig retorted with a slightly obscure song that hasn't been played in a long time, at least not on the stupid soft rock station the author's mother likes. At some point in time they finally made it to the Embassy building, which was being plagued by large…well, squiggles. 

            "These monsters look like they were crayon drawings…and I don't mean that author girl Lia hangs around with," Batpig Girl observed. 

            "Is there anything that erases crayon? I mean, isn't crayon one of those things that you can scrub at and scrub at and never get off?" Batpig questioned.

Biyomon rummaged around in her utility belt and pulled out a bottle of Batpig Orange Clean. "Try this. It's supposed to get up crayon marks."

Our intrepid Caped Crusader sprayed the aerosol cleaner on the leg of the nearest doodle monster, which let out a shriek of pain and began dissolving. 

            Several bottles of Orange Clean later, our heroes were closer to the Embassy building and ready to attack its bubble gum coating. For it was indeed bubble gum that was surrounding it, not the pink goo from _Ghostbusters, _so shut up, Nicki. 

            "All right, Batpig Girl, let's see what stupid objects we can attempt to make a dent in this stuff with," Patamon prompted as Biyomon began rummaging in her travel-sized wad of hammerspace. 

            "Batpig Chainsaw?" she offered. 

            "Nope…hey wait, did you say chainsaw?" 

            "Yeah, here." The pink bird handed him said chainsaw. "And here's a pair of Batpig Safety Goggles. You're not supposed to use machinery without safety goggles." Years of having to watch _The New Yankee Workshop _and _This Old House _with my father wasn't wasted after all. Well, Batpig tried using the chainsaw, but it didn't cut through the gum. 

            "Batpig Blowtorch?"

The blowtorch didn't really work either. All it succeeded in doing was nearly searing the fur off our hero, who really should've used a face shield at that point. 

Biyomon dug her wing in further. "How about the Batpig Ice Zapper?" 

            "Yes, that should work. Gum is supposed to be manageable after it is frozen," the Dead Wonder stated. Patamon zapped a large patch of the gum, hardening it instantly. 

            "Hey, that worked! Hand me the chainsaw and I'll cut a hole in it."

Biyomon winced. "Um, the chainsaw's broken. It's all gummy now."

Patamon rolled his big blue eyes. "All right, then get something else out. Lia's actually been helpful for once, surely there's something else in there we can use."

Rummage, rummage. "How about the Batpig…"

Biyomon yanked a young man dressed in black out of her pocket. 

            "Batpig God of Death, at your service! Here, have a scythe!" Duo Maxwell chirped, handing over a very large scythe to our porcine hero. And that's hero, not Heero. "Man, it's good to be out of there. My hair was starting to frizz."

Wizardmon eyed his female colleague suspiciously. "How long have you been keeping him in there?"

            "Honestly, I didn't know I had a Gundam character in my belt."

Patamon hacked a large hole into the gum wall with the scythe. "Gee, thanks a lot, Duo!"

            "No problem," the talkative pilot said with a shrug. He glanced around the city for a moment, violet eyes stopping on a line of vendors and their carts. "Yes! _Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard!"_

Wizardmon shook his head. "Should've known she'd write that. Biyomon, maybe you should make sure there are no other random characters in your belt."

            The bird nodded and scrabbled around in her bottomless belt, hoisting out two more refugees from the cancelled Cartoon Network series. 

The bang-impaired Trowa Barton stretched his arms before stating, "I hid Heavyarms in a cave a couple of miles from here. I could go get it and provide some carpet fire, if you wanted."

            "I thought he didn't talk," Patamon whispered loudly. 

            "He doesn't talk _much. _He still speaks," Wizardmon replied. 

Quatre, the adorably and blatantly gay member of the Gundam team, clung to his arm. "Don't go, Trowa! There could be crazies, or OZ soldiers, or carnies! Miss Lia warned us to stay away from this place, remember?"

            "I'll be fine, Quatre, relax."

Patamon sighed. "We don't need any extra help, thanks. Get on back to the author and her friend before I start singing another obvious interruption."

            "Like?" his partners asked. 

            "_Well I know that you're in love with him, cause I saw you dancing in the gym. You both kicked off your shoes, man, and digged those rhythm and blues. _Like that."

Trowa frowned. "That wasn't obvious, it was just stupid."

Biyomon took off her belt and shook it, the rest of the major Gundam Wing cast tumbling out of it. Wufei took one look around and took off, and Heero just stood there for a minute. 

            "Here we go," Patamon muttered. _"Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be…"_

            "Lia snickers every time she hears this song on the radio and doctors it up to fit a Gundam pretext," Wizardmon sighed. "And we're still not any closer to saving the day."

            _"I can be your hero, baby!" _Patamon finished, wiggling his hips a la Enrique Iglesias. "Sorry, it's the story, not me."

The others shrugged and walked off, having to drag Duo by the braid from the various food carts. As for the Batpig team, they finally took off through their hole in the gum barrier and into the Embassy building. 

~*~

            Since the elevator was broken, our mighty warriors had to take the stairs. While they were hiking, Patamon made an interesting observation. 

            "Hey, remember back in the old days when we all had to run up the stairs of the Odaiba Television Station when Kari was being held prisoner by Myotismon?" 

            "I'd rather not," Wizardmon replied. 

            "Yeah, why?" Biyomon asked. 

            "Well…why couldn't we have just taken the elevator? It's not like we couldn't all have fit, most of us were still rookies and Lillymon isn't all that huge."

            "And we probably could've shoved Waif the Ishida in the corner," Wizardmon added. "Eh, we were taking orders from Masaharu Ishida, that man is the epitome of psychopaths."

Biyomon glanced upwards. "You think he's behind whatever's going on?"

            "Unlikely. He's crazy, not stupid," Batpig retorted. 

As they were running up the stairs, a young woman with periwinkle blue hair came running down the stairs, her white and blue and lavender armor clinking as she went. She paused long enough to yell to the Caped Crusaders. 

            "Excuse me! Have any of you seen a young man with fox ears and a tail around?" 

Wizardmon glared at her. "Lia! What in the name of Legolas are you wearing? And what is in your hair?"

The girl blinked. "How did you know my name?"

            "Your father is going to have a coronary when he sees you like that! Go home and scrub your head until all of that ridiculous dye is out of it, young lady!"

Blink. "But this is my natural hair color. You must be mistaking me for someone else. My name's Cordelia Akiyama, Lia for short…I'm with the Rue Dra'aelion Senate Council."

            "Wizardmon, you meathead, she's Lia's web comic girl! Haven't you been paying attention to her lately? Haven't seen Rouge, but if we do, we'll keep an eye out for him. Why, he rob you blind?" Patamon asked.   

            "Ran off with my wallet, yes. Stupid fox," the girl muttered, taking off again. 

            "…That was random," Biyomon pointed out. 

Patamon shrugged. "What do you want? This is Lia we're talking about."

~*~

            After much wheezing, several breaks, a few song and dance numbers, and more random anime intrusions (did you know Nickelodeon might be putting Speed Racer back on the air?), our heroes finally made it to the top of the Embassy building. Patamon took a running start and actually kicked in the door (not without the help of a pair of Batpig Battering Ram Boots) to the top office building, where their megalomaniac of the day was sitting in a leather chair, facing the picture window, and smoking what had to be a cigar. 

            "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am truth, justice, and the way of every nation that puts Digimon on weekdays and Saturdays! I am Batpig!"

            "And I'm Batpig Girl!"

            "And I'm the…can I finally get a name change? Please?"

Patamon shook his cowl-covered head. "Sorry, but it really defeats the whole franchise. Everybody knows you as the Dead Wonder. If we changed it now, we'd only confuse people."

            "Fine. I'm the Dead Wonder."

            "And we're gonna take you down, you heinous advocate of evil!" Batpig continued. 

            "Evil?" the sinister villain asked, voice muffled by a voice-changer thing probably stolen from Izumi Corp. or Ichijouji Inc. the two major technological companies in the city. "I'm hardly evil. In fact, I'm trying to make this town a better place."

            "Come again?" Batpig Girl asked. 

            "Don't you see? The bubble gum, the pretty drawings, the random anime intrusions…" Aya and Omi of Weiß Kreuz climbed out of a ventilation duct and walked off. "Even the musical innuendos you keep spouting, they're all part of my master plan!"

            "Which is…?" Patamon prompted. 

            "Make this city and everything in it a happier, brighter place. Everyone here is so gloomy and depressed, even the colors are all washed out. When I'm through here, Gotham City will be a vibrant, lively place like it should be."

Wizardmon snorted. "Everyone here _likes _the gloomy, depressed attitude! That's why we get away with such inane humor gags."

            "Yeah, so who are you to be tampering with our city's dark atmosphere?" Batpig snapped, waggling a paw. The chair slowly turned, revealing a most startling sight indeed. 

            "_CALUMON?!" _

            "That's right!" the purple and white koala monster hissed, chewing on his cigar. "Oh, nobody would suspect Calumon, he's too cute and innocent to do anything wrong. Ha! _When will my reflection show who I am inside?_"

            "So what are you planning to do?" Biyomon asked, one wing already in her belt, getting out something useful to fling at the cuddly ball of evil. 

            "First, I'm going to destroy you. I don't want any gloomy old superheroes ruining my perfect city. Then I'm going to douse all of Gotham with acid so the old buildings just crumble away and I can build new, pretty, shiny ones. And then I'll make all the inhabitants my cheerful, willing slaves. We'll be one big happy family, full of love and snuggles! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

            Patamon reached over and slapped the little monster. "Oh grow up."

            _"I won't grow up (I won't grow up), I don't wanna go to school (I don't wanna go to school)…_CUDDLE BUNNIES, ATTACK!"

The Pork Knight snorted. "Cuddle Bunnies? The hell are Cuddle Bunnies?"

Large, pink, fanged, drooling, deformed, evil, bloodthirsty rabbits. Those are Cuddle Bunnies. And the Cuddle Bunnies began chasing our heroes around the room while Calumon laughed insanely. 

            "Batpig Girl! Gadget, now!" Patamon shrieked. 

Biyomon tossed out several large tablespoons, a couple of packets of Sweet & Low, and a bottle of rat poison. Patamon yanked out a crossbow and fired spoonfuls of poison and sugar-substitute into the mouths of the Cuddle Bunnies, which frothed at the mouth, curled up, and died. 

            _"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the _rat poison _go down, the _rat poison _go down, the _rat poison _go down. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the _rat poison _go down, in the most delightful way,_" our hero sang cruelly. Calumon growled, a vein popping out in relief on his little fuzzy head. 

            "Damn you and your gadgets!" he shrilled. 

            "Batpig Girl, if you'd be so kind?" Wizardmon prompted. Biyomon grinned. 

            "_What you want? Baby I got it. What you need? You know I got it. All I'm asking is for a little respect!" _

            "Yes, thank you, Aretha. But how about a Stun Gun or something?"

Calumon was fuming. "No! No! I cannot be defeated this easily! I won't stand for it!" 

Biyomon flipped a metal oven mitt at her piggy partner. "Don't know what it is, but I'm guessing it's going to be fun to use."

            Patamon put on the glove and jumped up onto the desk. Calumon promptly choked on his cigar and tossed the Beanie Baby cat he'd been stroking elsewhere. 

            "What are you going to do with that?" he asked nervously. 

Patamon grinned. "This paw of mine glows with an awesome power. It tells me to defeat you. Now, _SHINING FINGAH!" _

I'm sorry, I had to do that. Continue on. 

The oven mitt glowed white-hot and Patamon rammed it into Calumon's face, squishing. The little creature writhed and squeaked and suddenly exploded in a shower of glittery confetti. 

            "That was gross," Biyomon gagged, turning a little green. Patamon shrugged. 

            "It wasn't really him. Just a lovely replication made out of Play Dough, confetti, a voice recorder, and some fuzzy crap. The real Calumon is probably still out there. But for now, all we can do is clean up the mess he made and hope to God he doesn't try and cheer up Gotham again," Patamon informed her. 

            "You know, with every fanfic he gets smarter and smarter," Wizardmon observed. 

~*~

            It took a while, but the influence of Calumon was cleaned up. The smiley-faced flowers were pulled up and chucked into a compost heap, the chirping bluebirds were whacked with a metal baseball bat, and the sparkly sunshine was promptly replaced by a torrential downpour. 

            "Aw crap, somebody made off with the Batpigmobile. Now we have to walk home in this," Biyomon complained. 

Patamon shrugged. "Hey, you know what they say. _The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the problems and the sorrow, 'til there's none…"_

Shadowmon randomly popped in at this point, grinning viciously. _"When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin, and say…"_

            "All right, that's enough of that. You, cat, get back to your owner. Pig, bird, we have walking to do. Let's go," Wizardmon chided. 

Shadowmon grunted. "What's his problem?"

            "Not a music lover and perturbed that Lia still hasn't bought a copy of _Lord of the Rings _on sale now on video and DVD," Patamon answered. "Hey, I just remembered…I have a date tonight!"

Biyomon gulped. "Dare we ask who?"

            "Cute little monster thing I met while dropping off some mail that accidentally got sent to our set. She's from that Mon Colle Knights monstrosity. Nice girl."

Biyomon and Wizardmon started dancing around happily. "No more glomped groceries! There is a God!"

            And so our intrepid heroes walked home in the rain, Patamon still singing random things, even though the musical was technically over. But Shadowmon, being that groovy swinger she is, hauled out Gomamon, Veemon, and a bunch of people dressed in lurid Sixties paraphernalia, and started doing one of the big Austin Powers dance scenes to close out the show. 

            "Yeah baby! Chorus line, baby, chorus line!"

            "Kick it, ladies, yeah!"

            "Groovy, sho damn groovy."

            Once again, the city is made safe, thanks to Batpig and the Batpig-themed sidekicks. And Gundam Wing. And authors. And your local police force and firefighters and paramedics. And the Navy. And Ozzy Osbourne. And Gundam Wing. And Lia. And did we mention Gundam Wing?

            "Hey Lia?" Patamon asked once the story was over. "Why did you help us out so much today? I mean, not that I don't appreciate it or anything, but…"

"Because," she replied. "As they say in our new school musical, _whatever you need, Mama will provide! _That, and I figured it'd make it a lot easier on my part. Now if you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of disenchanting Trowa, bringing Quatre back from the dead, and bothering Wufei a whole lot."

Patamon sighed. "Crazy author. Well, I guess all that's left is to say, the end. So there. The end. It's done. It's over. Go home now. Or go read another fanfic. Or make yourself a burrito and then read another fanfic." 

~*~

There you go, Super Hurricane. One musical, served up Batpig style. And special thanks to my alter ego, Lia of Lysandria, for making an appearance. Would've stuck Rouge in too, but he's more trouble than he's worth. Now, if you want to make my day, you'll review. If you really want to make my day, you'll read the Gundam Wing fics I'm writing when I get them posted. And if you want to be my best friend forever you'll help me figure out how to html my web comic's index page because it's defaulted as ugly. And if you want to be in my good graces even more you'll volunteer some lovely artwork for said web comic. And if that's the case, email me and I'll give you all the details. Until then, lots of love! And good luck to you in school, because I start back soon. Always yours, Kawaii Li'l Lia. 


End file.
